How I feel

I once felt alive
my soul spoke of things
that I could not explain
I loved the feeling of being alive
my eyes sparkling with delight
I used to speak with my eyes
now I feel something has died
is it me who has died?
am I compromising what I believe in?
have I lost hope in what I yearn?
or is this just me rebelling
did I grow up too fast?
where has the understanding,
I once had gone?
have I lost the ability to feel ?
or maybe I'm just numb
I have lost the ability to feel joy
maybe I just need time
to relight the spark...I once felt

Old friends..

Its been a while since I last blogged,even though I have so much going on in my mind and much to write about. For some reason too lazy just to sign in and type up a new post.
I bumped into a friend today ,well she used to be my friend and it was I who ended our friendship. Interesting enough I don't miss her, but get strange feelings when I do see her. I love her for the sake of Allah,that is what keeps us on a polite note.
You know people will never change, she still makes the same comments and I still feel the same around her. I don't understand what it is about her that makes me feel nervouse. Her personality is of one that I find overwhelming, If I don't agree with her on something, our relationship turns upside down.
I'm very sentimental, so the moment I saw her all these old feelings started to resurface. Than memorys started to turn up out of now where,like they are haunting me . I remember all the times she used to say 'Mahdi is coming this year,we should prepare for his coming' ...'Dajjal is coming this year, all the signs have come out..' each year she was wrong. Also the times when she used to say to me how she saw dreams about me,how I should be careful, how Allah is warning me ...I found her incredibly stressful,I don't think she ever purposfully did it, but she always knew how to make me feel guilty for everything.
We used to be close and regulary visit each other, now that she is not around,life feels different.I thought I would feel lost with out her, but I don't, I feel so free with out her.

I'd rather live my life in truth,rather than live it in a lie!

I once spoke to a friend of mine,she was upset with me about a comment, I had said to her while visiting her,I apologized and I was fine with being criticized. Than she changed the subject to the issue of me getting divorced and how her husband had asked her questions as to why I divorced my husband. I was than criticized for divorcing him,that I had not really much of a 'good' reason. My blood was boiling,I was not only furious at the fact she discussed my personal affairs with her husband.I was furious at how he she judged me knowing full well how my ex husband was with me,she was even a witness to his behavior a day before when I left him.
I reflected; she herself is in an abusive relationship for thirteen years,she refused to leave him because she has no support and no where to go. She has a son,her son has witnessed too much abuse not only from her husband but also from her in laws.
For me this is disturbing,I chose to leave for me marriage is about respect and growing together. I want to bring up my children in a peaceful family environment,not seeing my husband scream at me and throw objects at me whenever he pleases. I would prefer to walk away from a marriage like that with no support,which I did! (By Allah's mercy I do have my family back and supportive friends).
My friend was saying women are weaker,this is just the way it is. So by that statement,I'm weaker and I am not allowed to defend myself? I have to live in humiliation,in stress all in the name of keeping a family together? according to her my daughter is going to live her life in a limbo, limbo! my daughter was in a limbo while I was married! Now , she has a stable life.
I can not understand how a women who holds Law degree ,grew up in the UK and than speaks like she just walked out of the village! She also stressed the fact I'm just a kid and what do I know? Yes me a fully grown women ,twenty four years old,manages a home and takes care of her daughter is nothing more than just a kid.
What she was suggesting I'm not quite sure,do I have to wait till I am forty to decide what I need to do in my life?
The main reason why I am so angry is.ITS THIS EXACT ATITUDE THAT ONE HOLDS IN LIFE,IT IS THE EXACT REASON WHY WE WILL ALWAYS NEVER MOVE UP IN SOCIETY,I am not refering to just women's rights,I am reffering to everything else that's wrong in society...' oh well what can we do',' well this is just the way it is !',' I don't have a choice' and ' If only.'
These attitude of helplessness. Not taking responsibility for our own lives and for the rest of our lives .
If I had stayed in a bad marriage what message am I giving to my daughter? This is way men behave? its perfectly acceptable for a man to hit you? its perfectly normal to see a mother stressed out and miserable most of the time?
What ever YOU do as a parent can have a domino affect on the children,it may be a positive one or a negative on, either way you are the instrument in shaping your children,take responsibility for it.
Coming back to we need to be responsible for the way society is,yes what we do and how we bring up our the future generation affects society. Keeping rubbish old attitudes of helplessness does not work, no one can abuse you unless you allow them,no one can stop it until you defend yourself and say no.
I once said to my father,what evil happens in the next door neighbor is our business to,we are part of the evil if we don't change it. For example if I see the neighbor abusing a dog,I would call the RSPCA , that is my business.This attitude of 'its not my business' is an interesting one indeed,people love to buy gossip magazines,non of that is your business,but when it comes to the filth that happens in our back yards,that somehow is not your business.
I prefer to live my life fighting in what I believe in,rather than having a helpless attitude and dieing in a pitiful state.As for my friend's ignorant comment,I have learned to not just befriend anyone.A good friend is one who is nonjudgmental and helps you achieve in life.

When different worlds interact with one another!

I have noticed that in life we come across many different people who ALL live differently and live in different worlds.I have noticed that my world is constantly changing.When ever I interact with another person I interact with how they perceive their world.I feel they to interact with my world.

Have you ever noticed how when you speak to one person you will feel one way and than when you speak to another you feel another. Why? well simple their energy around them,how they talk and how they see things affects the 'feel' and 'vibe' you get from them.

I wonder whether I am extremely sensitive to people? But the more I think about it I am starting to think it has something to do with the way they perceive the world they live in.I remember one women once saying to me 'BUT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME' that really struck a cord in me,she said it with such conviction!

I felt furious with her,'how dare she have such an opinion?!" I have not spoken to her since,I realise the way she perceives the world is very different from mine.I don't like her world,in fact I hate it.When I look in to her world,it looks so gloomy.

Due to that experience, I am starting to realize I can not tolerate every one.It may sound narrow minded to some,but I only want to mix with people who have a brighter view of the world.

The more I am getting to know 'me' I realize I can not take on everyone else's perceptions.

Reflections on the year...

Although Islamically speaking the new year for Muslims is after the big Eid,I could not help myself but restart reflecting on the past year.I say restart because I do it each year after the big Eid.Each year I write down the things I would like to achieve than I look back at it and see how much I have done.
My neighbor's were up last night waiting for the fireworks to come on the TV screen and to be honest I could not help but sit down and watch that Big Ben hit twelve so I can see the spectacular fireworks show.
I sat up and my mind started to think about the past year.This years Ramdhan was the best I have ever experienced spiritually.The past year was also a sad year,I struggled much and I was searching within myself to find strength,never the less Ramadhan was a turning point for me ,my flat mate moved in with me,I ended friendships that were not benefiting me,I started my counselling course which I look forward to attending each week.The year started of as a struggle,but than ended well.
This is the year were I will turn twenty five,age has started to become a number for me. my life has started to consist of hours,minutes and seconds.Nothing is worth my pain.I even stuck a note on my wall 'STOP thinking,DO IT NOW!' every time I start to 'think' I stop and just start to put action in to practice.
I even mapped my life out, to get me to focus better,I mapped out all the things I want to achieve,in bright colored felt tip pens :) ( I could not help the felt tip pens).I want to die knowing I did my BEST.I pray Allah takes my soul and I am in the best state,ameen.

living a life of unrealistic expectations...

Expectations, I want stop expecting things,I believe this is in the way of real happiness.How do I stop expecting? Will I ever be able to stop expecting? I have become so afraid of life,this life is so unpredictable,we don't know what is next. I used to be excited about living,now I just feel nervous and worried about what is next?
I don't let go anymore and have become concerned about my future and my well being. I want to let go,I want to stop expecting good things,they may never come. I hate reality but have no choice but to live in it I'm afraid that one day perhaps I will not be able to cope with it.
I wonder where all this fear has come? clearly from shaytan, but its new fear its fear that I have never experienced before, its new.
Its fear from living and fear from dieing, how that makes any sense I don't know!

When you make the right intention

When ever I make an intention to improve my imaan and to learn the Quran, things in my life start to run smooth. Before Ramadhan I made a conscious decision I will learn the Quran in five years. A few months on and I am struggling. I mentioned my intentions to a good Syrian friend of mine and she told me,her mum knows a woman who is hafiz and a qualified tajweed teacher.

I did not think much of it at the time,but asked her if I could have her number. The Palestinian sister who I will refer to as 'B' only lives down the road from me.

Coincidence? hmm I don't think so, its almost like before I have even made the dua Allah has already answered it. Where I live there is not much Islamic activity that goes on. To find a Tajweed teacher is very difficult to, so I feel privileged.

I called sister 'B' she suggested we should meet up for a coffee,I think she wanted to see who I was first.She's very, how should I write it ? well VERY good it almost makes me feel bad. She is only twenty seven years old and has character.

I got on with her, but the culture barrier I really feel. There is some thing about people who have grown up in Arabic country's compared to people who have grown up here, I don't know what it is, but there is this formal barrier.

Never the less I enjoy her company every Monday morning after I drop my girl of to school. Our class starts of with a cup of green tea and than after half an hour of talking we get on to work.

I appreciate her teaching me. Every time I leave her house I feel satisfied with what I have learnt.Everything she is teaching me is for free,so I'm taking full advantage!

I spoke to her about me wanting to get fluent in Arabic,it means a lot to me.I hate being Ignorant and I don't care showing that my ignorance,otherwise how will I learn?

So here it goes for this year, by the end of it I should know all the basic rules of Tajweed and be able to read Arabic fluently!